


The Crack Phanfic Chronicles

by timothy_franklin



Category: Connor McCollar, Phan, Robix, Septiplier - Fandom
Genre: Cussing, Foursome, Llamas, M/M, Memes, Multi, NSFW, Not full on smut, Other, Penguins, Phan - Freeform, Secks, Tromboner, merome - Freeform, squids, what am I doing with my life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-11 07:54:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11710113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timothy_franklin/pseuds/timothy_franklin
Summary: I think me and my friends were high while writing this





	1. The fic fic

     Once upon a time there were five people named Dan, Phil, Mark, Jack, and Robert. There was also a hamster named Jujubee. Jujubee was Phil's pet. Dan killed Jujubee. Dan used her body in a demonic ritual.  
~ At Mark's ~  
     Tyler was jumping on the bed and his wife, Ethan, was playing the ukulele while Mark was trying to edit. The home phone suddenly rang. Tyler jumped off the bed and picked it up, then yelled, "HELLO!" He put it on speaker. "Help! Dan killed my hamster and went crazy!" Phil yelled. "Oh no!" Said Tyler. There was a growl and a scream on the other side, then the phone was cut off. "Omg guys what if Phil is dead and Dan is some sort of vampire-demon-zombie-werewolf thing!" Mark cried. Ethan slapped him. "That's ridiculous!" The pubescent twenty-year-old snapped. "Ow." Mark said. "Dan is probably just possessed by a vengeful hamster spirit! We must cleanse him!" Ethan picked up a torch and pitchfork and handed them to Mark. "We must begin the purge!" He yelled. Mark got his passport to England and went out the door.  
~ At Robert's ~  
     The doorbell suddenly ding-dinged. Robert paused the recording and opened it. "Robert, this is urgent!" Phil said. "Dan is missing!" Phil suddenly picked up Robert in his arms and kissed him. Robert slapped Phil. "No! Are you out of your mind?!" He said. He wriggled out of Phil's arms and jumped down to the floor. Phil collapsed on his knees, crying. "What's wrong?" Robert asked. "D-Danosaur is gone! He killed my hamster and left! I'm afraid he's going after Jack!" So they both jumped on Phil's lion and flew to Ireland.  
~ At Jack's ~  
     Dan screamed and jumped on Jack's computer. "Get out of my swamp!" Yelled Jack. Dan screamed again and jumped on Jack, then kissed him. Jack slapped Dan and he pulled away. "What the hell was that?!" He asked. "That wasn't a kiss!" Jack pulled Dan back and kissed him again. Then they started making out. Phil opened the door and Robert followed. They both screamed when they saw Jack and Dan kissing. An octopus came out of Dan's shirt. It laughed and jumped out the window. "Dan, get off him!" Phil pulled Dan off Jack. It was too late. Dan had already bitten Jack. They both jumped on Dan's nyan llama and flew off to their next target. Mark burst in holding a pitchfork and torch. "Where's the demon?" He asked. Phil got scared and started running. "Come on!" He called to Robert. They both escaped Mark by getting on Phil's lion and riding to Canada.  
~ At Mitch's ~  
     Dan and Jack came through Mitch's front door. Mitch screamed and jumped out the window to avoid being possessed. Suddenly all six YouTubers were teleported to the White House. Donald Trump was standing there. He had captured Felix. Suddenly the Once-Ler appeared and punched Donald Trump and saved Felix and calmed Mark down so he didn't kill Dan and Phil and Jack. Then Robert killed himself. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Felix screamed. "Robert I love you!" Then Felix killed himself too because he got sad. Dan's llama and Phil's lion had kids called llionamas. Dan and Phil started kissing and Mark live streamed it so Phan became real and the Once-Ler resurrected Robert and Felix and they started kissing too. Then Dan dabbed. Jujubee ate bleach and killed the Once-Ler and the Once-Ler died. Dan hid in a backpack, but then Twilight Sparkle flew down from the sky and the fabric of reality was ripped and all the fandoms came pouring down onto earth.   
~ One year later ~  
     After the great war of 2020, the world blew up and everyone now lives in cyberspace and social media. Felix is the king of YouTube, the Internet, and the entire virtual multiverse. Jack the assassin was sent to save YouTube from his tyrannical rule. Suddenly the Once-Ler came back to life and then killed himself. Jujubee the demon killed Pewdiepie and everyone lived happily ever after, but then Robert was teleported into The Hat Fic and forced to watch it and a penguin died. Phil accidentally swallowed a cactus and forgot toward his houseplants so they died. Then Dan and Phil started playing JustDance. "Ahhh!" Phil screamed when Robert fell from the roof onto the playstation. "Guys! Striker is coming!" He screamed. "Oh no! But who's that?" Dan asked. "Striker is the hamster that Phil bought but then Dan went crazy and killed Striker and tortured Phil!" Robert replied. "That's terrible!" Dan gasped. Suddenly a black-and-white demon floated into Dan and Phil's flat. Dan and Robert screamed and jumped into Phil's arms. Phil held onto them tightly. "I want my Jujubee back!" Striker said in a deep, sexy voice. Phil spit out the cactus from his stomach. "Jujubee's dead!" Dan said. Striker growled and was about to destroy the world when Jujubee appeared. "Striker!" The hamster cried. "I missed you!" Before she could kill Dan, they all teleported to Canada. But when they got there, there was a giant squid-octopus cannibal. So they rescued Mitch and flew to the Itanmulli base, where Mark and Jack were waiting. "The penguins are screaming!" Dan yelled. Then he dabbed.

The end


	2. The octopus fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Im dead inside  
> Its also not finished

     One day, Phil bought a hamster. Dan killed the hamster. Dan threw Phil's dead hamster in the river. His name was Jujubee. Dan took the hamster from the river and used it in a demonic ritual.

 

~~ At Mark's ~~

 

     "Ethan! Come here! Do you know a hamster named Jujubee?" Mark exclaimed. "Yeah, isn't that Phil's pet hamster?" Ethan asked. "Not anymore..." Mark said with fright. "Apparently Dan killed it and used it in a demonic ritual." Ethan looked at Mark and said, "Geez, that sounds like Dan..."  Mark picked up the phone again. Then Tyler walked in and said, "Hey Ethan~" - "Hey, Tyler." The pubescent twenty year old replied. Ethan ran to Tyler and jumped on his back. He started madly making out with the other person.

 

~~ At Robert's ~~

 

     "Hey guys! It's RobertIDK here!"  Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Robert paused the recording and opened the door. Phil is standing outside. "Hey Robert, this is urgent... I need to pee." He said. "And Dan is missing!" Phil ran to the bathroom and pissed all over the floor. Then they started making out. Robert slapped Phil and said, "Why are you making out with me!? Get out!"  Phil jumped out the window and flew away on his lion. Robert laughed and went back to recording.

 

~~ At Jack's ~~

 

     Dan jumped on Jack's computer and screamed. "What the hell, Dan!" Jack screamed. Dan screamed again and leaped on Jack. Jack slapped Dan in the face and Dan went unconscious. An octopus came out of Dan's shirt. "Hehehe" The octopus laughed and jumped away.


	3. The Donald Howell fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're basically fighting over Phil's relationship with a girl

Once upon a time there was a person named Dan. He had a crush on a person named Phil. Phil didn't like Dan though. He liked Dan's female friend. But then Dan's female friend died. It was very sad and they had a funeral with cake. Dan got angry and smashed the cake. Phil cried. Then a hamster named Jujubee cried too. Dan dabbed. Phil went inside and saw a girl. He walked over to her and said, "Hey, I'm Phil. Who are you?" "I'm Mya." The girl explained. Then someone stabbed her and she died. Phil was sad again because all the girls he knew were dead. Then she came alive again. Phil kissed her and she blushed and kissed him back. Then a meteor came down and killed them both and Dan shot himself in the head but the Once-Ler resurrected Dan and Phil but not the girl. A penguin cried. The girl got resurrected again. "Will you go out with me?" Phil asked nervously. Mya nodded and Phil kissed her. "Hold the fuck up, Phil! I love you too!" Dan cried. Then he killed himself again. Phil looked up and started crying. "I-I didn't love you in that way, Dan..." Phil cried. Then he hugged Dan and said, "I'll never let go!" Then he shot himself. Mya resurrected Phil and hugged him. "It's okay, Phil. I won't let go..." Phil nodded. Phil cried and killed himself again. Then the squid laughed. Mya got rid of everything Phil could kill himself with and resurrected him. Phil hugged her and said, "I won't die anymore." Then Dan shot him and that makes no sense because Dan killed himself because Phil loves someone else but Phil actually loves him and they both die out of love and the girl is all alone and she died forever. Then the llama had kids with Tronald Dump. 

~ In Heaven ~

     "Phil, I love you!" Mya exclaimed. "I love you too, not Dan. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking." Phil said as they kissed. Then Satan took them to hell to burn eternally and they were separated forever and their love was broken and Phil was trapped with Dan the end. But there's more! Donald Trump died and fell in love ith Dan. They had babies and shiz like that. 

 

The end. 


	4. The Bear Fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so Robert please forgive me

     Robert was sitting on his cough and wearing his favorite hat and playing Crash Bandicoot. There was suddenly a knock on the door. Robert got up and opened the door. Standing outside was Freddy Fazbear. Robert hugged the animatronic and said, "You are amazing at jumpscares." "Thank chu~" Said Freddy sweetly, hugging the human back. Freddy had a crush on Robert, but Robert didn't know.

~ Twelve minutes later ~

     "Ah-AH! I LOVE YOU LIKE A LOVE SONG BABY!" Screamed Robert. He and Freddy were playing Just Dance. "I win!" Freddy screamed. Then they started kissing, causing Robert's eyes to widen in surprise. Robert accepted the kiss. "Ah-ah..." Robert moaned as Freddy took his shirt off. Robert pulled away and ran to his room. When he came back out he was wearing sexy lingerie. Freddy had left. "Shit." Robert said. Robert cried. Then he took all his clothes off and ate ice cream and cried. Then Freddy knocked on the door and said, "I'm sorry I just got overwhelmed." Then Freddy leaned in for a kiss. Then Dan came in a locked at them. Then he walked out. After Dan walked out he started crying in dissapointment. "B-but I love you, Robert!" He cried. Robert, still naked, ran to Dan. "We can have a threesome!" He said. "YESSS!" Said Dan as they walked back into the house. Suddenly a Phil appeared and said, "Fuck no!" Dan, in shock, said, "Let me have this! I've never been in love like this before." "B-but Dan I'm in love with you and Robert and Freddy!" Phil said. "Well, why don't we just have a foursome then?" "Okay." Dan said and then they all had the Secks. Afterwards, Phil cried, "I didn't like that!" He exclaimed. 

~ Random time skip ~

     "Guys, I'm pregnant." Phil said. Dan dabbed and Phil slapped him. "No more dabbing!" 

~ Nine fucking months later ~

Phil was rushed to the hospital and had a baby boy named Toby. Dan said, "Now did you liek it?" "Fuck yes." Phil said. "Now I'm a penguin!" "Well, I'm a tiger!" Dan growled. "And I'm a prostitute!" Robert said. Everybody turned to look at him. "Well, you're our prostitute." Dan and Phil said. Then Robert screamed and a penguin fell on his head.

The end. 


	5. The Cantaloupe Fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And every month, we buy a cantaloupe

     One day, Dan bought a cantaloupe. Phil looked at him. "What is that for?" "I not know thy destiny!" The cantaloupe said sexily. Phil gasped and stabbed it with a kitchen knife. "You're food and you're not supposed to talk! DIE!" Dan said. He stabbed the cantaloupe with his llama blade of penguins.  
The end

Jk that's not the end  
     Then Phil started crying. "Why are you crying?" Dan asked. "Th-that cantaloupe was my only friend!" Phil sobbed. "How can I make it up to you? Maybe this?" Dan said as he kissed Phil. Robert screamed. "What the fuck are you guys doing?!" He asked. Phil pulled away from Dan. "We're kissing, dumbass!" Then he charged at Robert and tied him up. He then started kissing Dan again, making Robert watch. Robert screamed. "Let me go!" He cried, struggling against his bonds. Dan looked over at Robert. "Yeah... Maybe after Phil and I are done... Maybe not even then." A wild Mitch appeared and untied Robert and started kissing him. "Canadian pride!" Robert yelled, ripping his shirt off. Dan and Phil looked at them. "Oi, get the fuck out of here if you're going to be doing that. Or at let get a room." Phil said. Mitch and Robert ignored him and kept kissing. Phil took out a trombone and killed them. "What do you want to do now, Phil?" Dan asked in his sexy, husky voice. "I wanna fuck." Phil said, but then he turned into a unicorn mer-Phil. "How are we going to be able to do this now?" Dan sat down in the blood of Robert and Mitch. "Oh fuck!" Phil moaned as he lapped up the blood. Suddenly Robert came back to life as a vampire. "Fuck!" Dan screamed. Then Robert lunged forward and bit into Dan's neck and sucked his blood. "No!" Phil screamed and then turned back into a human. "I'm gonna do the longest yeah boi ever!" Robert screamed. "Yeah boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" Then he bit Phil even though he wasn't a vampire anymore and that makes no sense. Phil screamed and slapped him. "Don't bite me you bitch!" Then Squidward said, "I love you, Robert!" Then they kissed. "Take me away from this horrid place, Squidward!" Robert said dramatically as Squidward took him to Bikini Bottom.   
Then they both stripped and danced around naked singing HEYEAYEAYEAYEAYEAYEAYEAYEAYEA 

This is now really the end  
Or is it?

 

And every month, we buy a cantaloupe.


	6. The Meme Fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm quite proud of myself

     Once upon a time there was a penguin named Pingu. Pingu was a penguin. Pingu was gay. Pingu loved a llionama named Kadence. Kadence was transgender. This doesn't make sense because Kadence is a girl and Pingu is gay but fuck it. There was also a guy named Robert. Robert was gay. One day he got a hamster named Billybobjo. Now, you may ask, how do these two stories relate?  
~ At Robert's ~  
     Robert met someone named Mitch. They were both Canadian, but Robert lived in London and Mitch lived in Florida, so it was a long-distance relationship. One night Mitch called Robert. "Hey, wanna go out sometime?" He asked. "Sure!" Robert said. Then he hung up. Then Robert went to his senpai shrine. "Shrek is love, Shrek is life!" He chanted. Suddenly Jackshrekticeye appeared. "I am OZ, the great and powerful!" He yelled. "No, you're not! You are Jackshrekticeye the great and powerful!" Robert said. Jackshrekticeye rawred and jumped out the window and flew away on a giant squid.  
~ At Dan and Phil's ~  
     Suddenly a hamster appeared. Phil screamed and jumped into Dan's arms. "It's the hat fic in real life!" He yelled. They both ran to their room and locked the door. They could hear the hamster cackling sexily outside. "Little Dan, little Dan, let me in!" It said. "Not by the hair of my- oh wait that doesn't rhyme." Dan said. Suddenly a squid appeared. Then it disappeared. "What the fuck is going on?" Phil screamed. The squid suddenly flew in again with Jackshrekticeye on its back. Dan and Phil screamed again as the Irish potato ogre scooped them up in his arms and kidnapped them. The penguin laughed.  
~ At Squidward's ~  
"I am god!" Spongebob yelled. Potatoes flew around the room. Squidward dodged them. Suddenly Mitch the unicorn demon appeared. "Where is my boyfriend?" He said in his fiery voice. A Pepe appeared and killed Spongebob and Squidward. "No, this is Patrick!" Patrick said. Mitch killed him. Then he teleported to Dan and Phil's flat. "Oh no!" He said when he got there. "Jackshrekticeye has kidnapped Dan and Phil!" The he flew to Robert's.  
~ At Robert's ~  
"Ahhh!" Robert screamed. Out of nowhere, Pepe attacked him. Then Pingu appeared and saved him and brought him to Ireland. "I'm gay." Pingu said. "NOOT NOOT!" His girlfriend Kadence joined in. "NOOT NOOT!" They screamed. "NOOT NOOT!" "Deez Nuts!" Screamed Robert. He ran to the next room, trying to get away from Pingu and Kadence's NOOTing. All of a sudden a wild Jackshrekticeye appeared! Robert screamed, "What the fuck is going on?" Then Dan and Phil escaped their prison and killed Pepe and saved Robert. Then the Pingu intensified. Suddenly Josh and Tyler appeared. "Josh, take my hand!" Yelled Tyler. So Josh took Tyler's hand and flew off into the rainbow. "Ahhh!" Screamed Robert. Dan kissed him to cut his screams off. Robert kissed him back. "Oi, mate! Let me have some!" Phil said. So he kissed both of them. Then they lived happily ever after and Mitch cried in the bathroom and then defeated Jackshrekticeye. Then Jack screamed, "TØP OF THE MORNING TO YOU LADDIES!" Robbie Rotten dabbed and the world exploded.  
~ In space ~  
Dan and Phil and Robert got married. All the memes attended and Mitch turned into Forever Alone and Pepe ate everyone.

The end.


End file.
